I am your bartender; these are my rules.

As a bartender, it is my job to serve you alcohol and make sure you have a good time. Maybe I can even help you get over a bad day/week. I serve you, clean up after you, and sometimes even cook for you. That is my job. Now, as a patron, here is what YOU must do to if you want to keep my services:

1. My name is not "Hey," "Miss," or "Ma'am." If you don't know my real name, simply say "Bartender." Whistling or banging your glass on the bar will only annoy me and cause you to wait longer for another drink.

2. Money talks. Enough said.

3. There is a certain spot where I make drinks. If you are sitting across from this spot, this does not entitle you to priority service. Just because I'm standing in front of you making another patron's drink, doesn't mean I'm ready to take your order. Wait your turn!

4. Just because I glance at you, also doesn't mean I'm ready for your order. I am simply assessing the environment - not looking for someone to serve. Don't start rattling off your order if I'm busy with another order!

5. Never say "when you get a chance..." because when I get a chance, I'll ask you what you want!

6. Do NOT EVER *repeat* EVER!! touch the bartender! I will become instantly creeped out, and will not want to serve you.

7. If you order a "diet Captain and Coke" instead of a "Captain and Diet Coke," I'm going to laugh at you like the drunk idiot that you are!

8. Do not take my cheery attitude as flirting. I am a bartender. I want your money. Hitting on me is a waste of your time.

9. Don't complain to ME about the prices. Write the owner a letter or something if you have a serious issue with the prices. And most of all, IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO DRINK, GET OUT OF THE BAR!

10. No sleeping on the bar. The bar is not a hotel, and we do not want to watch you sleep. Go home.

11. When I ask you what you'd like to order, DO NOT say "What do you have?" Excuse me, but I am not going to rattle off every single beer, liquor, and wine that we carry! If you want something, and we don't have it, you'll be the first to know!

12. If you tip me well, I might buy you a drink, or offer you a free shot. DO NOT announce it to the entire bar! Every damn patron will expect a free drink! And just because I buy you a drink, it doesn't mean I'm flirting with you! (Refer back to rule #7.)

13. If there are more customers than just you in the bar, refrain from all life stories. I simply do not have time to listen to them. The other patrons want service too.

14. If you are polite to me, I will be polite to you. If you're a prick, I will be a bitch, and probably make your drinks really weak.

15. Referring back to rule #8, do not ask me the price of every single thing you order. If you find that your first drink was too expensive, order something cheaper next round. Here's a tip: beer is typically cheaper than liquor. Domestic beer is cheaper than imported beer. Anything you've seen rap stars drinking on MTV videos is probably priced up the ass.

16. If you don't have enough money for your drink PLUS a tip, consider leaving the bar immediately. No tippie, no drinkie.

17. When it's busy, and you finally have my attention, DO NOT turn around and ask your group of 15 friends what they want! I will walk away and serve others until you have your order READY for ME.

18. If you have several drinks to order, do not order them one at a time, as I bring them to you. Tell me your whole order up front - if I forget, I will ask you! I am not going to make 10 trips for one drink at a time just to complete your order!

19. Is it your birthday? Well happy friggin' birthday! Do not "expect" a free drink/shot from me. I may be generous and offer you one, but do not ASK for a free birthday drink. You don't go to the grocery store and ask for a free loaf of bread - don't go to the bar and ask for a free drink.

20. Referring back to Rule #1, even if you DO know my name, yelling it loudly from across the bar will not get you served any quicker. Honestly, it will just piss me off. Because now everyone knows my name, and will all expect the same thing. Thanks alot. Your next drink will be weak.

21. If you're using a credit/debit card for your purchases at the bar that night, do not make me run your card for each round. Give me your card, start a tab, and I'll run it at the end of the night or when you're ready to leave. I'm not going to keep running it for "just one more round," when it's really not the last round.

22. If you spill your drink because you're too drunk to hang on to it, NO I will not serve you another one. I will offer you a glass of water. At that point, you are cut-off. You are too drunk, time to go home.

23. If you wish to buy a drink for "that guy/girl over there," you better know what he/she is drinking, because chances are, I don't. And no, I won't go find out for you.

24. Last call is LAST CALL! Finish your drinks and get the hell out. No, you can't stay to "help clean up." If you need a ride home, start calling your sober friends - I am not your taxi nor your secretary to find you a ride.

The way you treat me, and the level of respect you show for me, will be directly reflected in the service you receive from me. Keep that in mind the next time you're out. You'll be surprised at the level of service you'll get from the bartender if you just respect them!